1, 2, 3

End.

It's been almost a month.

Going downhill? I wonder if you agree. I don't like how this is turning out. It was better when nobody knew. Not one person, but you and I. It was better when there weren't other people involved, to cause what they have caused. Losing things to talk about and say, we could sit there for hours thinking of things to say. Still, it leads to someone hurting. I need to vent. I need to vent.

Hopefully venting is in store for my Friday night.

In my back pocket.

I'm not even going to waste my time anymore.

How much longer?

I'm not too sure how long I can keep this up.
It's so much better keeping everything to myself though. Even if every emotion I've been hiding explodes out to you, on that moment when I thought you were asleep. Because for some strange reason, I find life so much easier this way. With these unshared thoughts in my head, me and you. I just love it all kept quiet. But at the same time, trying to act like there's nothing going on.
It would be nice if you woke up, I've just remembered all of the things I'd like to share with you. What am I supposed to do? I'd like to know what I should do.
Well, I'm hiding.


A sunrise and a sunset. You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sun sets. You realize and then you forget, what you have been trying to retain.

I knew this was a pattern,

I just think every time it's going to change. Of course, it doesn't. It's always the same thing with you. Stop feeling bad, because I'm very, very used to it.

lies.

I've changed my mind,

You know, I've really changed my mind.
It's hard guessing what you're thinking, though.

and Happy Birthday

to my very, very best friend. Eighteen days later from now, I'll have known her for two years exactly. It has to be way longer, it seems like so much longer. Long or not, I couldn't ask for someone better. I would never ask for someone better, since there is not one person better than this one.
Have a wonderful, wonderful birthday Maddi. You definitely deserve one.

The smell

of the air outside today, is what I love most about my entire year. Spring smelling breeze. Every season overjoys me with it's own scent.

2 more hours of my waiting game.

I really,

hope you make the right decision. You know how much I care, do you care that much too? You say you do, you say it a lot. I just don't understand why I can't get myself to believe that someone could care as much as I do. Today, while you're thinking, don't let what happened lead your mind away from me.

You're the reason I love losing sleep.

VENTURA TODAY!

And everything is great, back to normal, thank you so much for understanding.

Is this the end?

Please, don't let me think this.

//////

I honestly don't even know what I'm about to say. My mind is stopping me, but I feel like I need to write atleast one sentence to describe what I feel right now. Not that more than one sentence is too much, it's just not necessary. I feel like I've already said it this way, and that way, and that way, to you a million times. So will it ever get old? Will it ever not make you feel better, like it does now? I'm afraid that telling you what I do, over and over again, will lose it's meaning after time. (But I can't stop). Although, there is that pinky promise, THE pinky promise, I'm always being reassured by you, that it will never be broken. But when this gets old, what happens? I hate thinking about it, but my mind won't let go of the thought. Please let go of the thought, and just know:

I really do believe you.

It's not all that great.

I really, really hope you enjoy the trouble you're getting yourself into.


Another thing, I'm stressssiinnggggg.

Oh yeah..

26 and counting.

I wish I wish

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish you just felt the same way.

Subjects old and bland

Remember when we thought today, February 28th, was SO, extremely far away. All this time of waiting has passed us by so fast, and I feel as if we've all even changed in that long amount of time. A few months, I consider that long. Maybe you don't. But, so much could happen/did happen in those months. From growing closer, to growing apart. From learning new habits, to forgetting old ones.
Maddi and I always talk about this. If someone took a picture of us now, and showed it to us five years ago, what would we have said?
I remember writing something like this before, but it's always one of the first wonders crossing through my thinking path. I'm almost positive I would be happy with the picture, with that moment in time of my life (or what I had thought it was going to be like). I probably couldn't have even waited to grow up. Only to find that, everything isn't always as great as it seems. Maybe I don't stop and think, and look around at what's great in my life. Maybe I want more. Maybe I'm perfectly happy with everything. I've recently found out that only I can know these things about myself. As well as anybody thinks they know me, they don't. Except maybe Maddi. But even then, talking with her last night has got me thinking. It's really, really hard to trust anyone but yourself, and your other half.
I'm not trying to tell you that I dislike my life, because one person is missing out of it. Or that I love my life, because that one person came back. I don't base the way my life goes, from the people in it. I base it on how I feel, that second, right when the question is asked. Because no matter what, I know that I have everyone I need. Right here, right now, this section of my life. This second, I'm happy with how things are going, but not happy at the same time. I wish I could describe this to you in a way that you would understand. Just know, I AM fine.

It's also funny, (this contradicting everything I have just wrote) that one person from the outside. Sitting back, and noticing little hints I've given out. That all of us have given out. We haven't told you these things, but you just have your way of knowing. You're not the only person though. There's been a few others, too. But everyone sees it, except the actual cause. Except the main point in this paragraph. Except you. Weird how you think you're the only one feeling this way, but in reality, there are SO many more people feeling exactly how you feel. We didn't even know, we didn't even guess. It's just nice knowing you're not the only one.

Ode To My Backpack

Everyone has their own backpack, everyone has their own napsack.
But me, I have a one of a kind, kind of pack on my back.
Like a heavy, old, worn-out home,
My carrier is so big and might even carry Rome!
Carrying all my books is the easiest part,
The things inside may help me become smart.
It's greatness can be shared with anyone.
The color might be as brown as a honey bun.
Everyone has their own haversack, everyone has their own rucksack.
But me, I have an oversized, gigantic kind of pack on my back.
Like a big brown mountain,
My holder is so large and could even carry a drinking fountian!
Carrying my journal, and gum are the most pleasant things,
Wearing this backpack will feel like a heavy set of wings.
It's delight can be shared with any person.
But, there is only thing that can make it worsen.
My biggest fear may occur one unlucky day,
If my backpack is heavy, if it's a heavy sleigh,
The straps may break, causing a fall to the ground!
Papers, books, markers flying all around!
And that's why I'll just tell you this,
Never, ever, ever get a backpack made by the Swiss.
Because on that very unlucky day,
When every cloud in the sky is gray,
Your heavy, weighty boulder on your back might break,
Papers, books, markers falling, causing a huge quake!
I'll wish you luck with your pack on your back,
That your backpack, napsack, haversack or rucksack won't go smack.




By: Amanda Adam

And my dream car?

1985 VW Golf:



I wish I could drive!