Remember when we thought today, February 28th, was SO, extremely far away. All this time of waiting has passed us by so fast, and I feel as if we've all even changed in that long amount of time. A few months, I consider that long. Maybe you don't. But, so much could happen/did happen in those months. From growing closer, to growing apart. From learning new habits, to forgetting old ones.
Maddi and I always talk about this. If someone took a picture of us now, and showed it to us five years ago, what would we have said?
I remember writing something like this before, but it's always one of the first wonders crossing through my thinking path. I'm almost positive I would be happy with the picture, with that moment in time of my life (or what I had thought it was going to be like). I probably couldn't have even waited to grow up. Only to find that, everything isn't always as great as it seems. Maybe I don't stop and think, and look around at what's great in my life. Maybe I want more. Maybe I'm perfectly happy with everything. I've recently found out that only I can know these things about myself. As well as anybody thinks they know me, they don't. Except maybe Maddi. But even then, talking with her last night has got me thinking. It's really, really hard to trust anyone but yourself, and your other half.
I'm not trying to tell you that I dislike my life, because one person is missing out of it. Or that I love my life, because that one person came back. I don't base the way my life goes, from the people in it. I base it on how I feel, that second, right when the question is asked. Because no matter what, I know that I have everyone I need. Right here, right now, this section of my life. This second, I'm happy with how things are going, but not happy at the same time. I wish I could describe this to you in a way that you would understand. Just know, I AM fine.
It's also funny, (this contradicting everything I have just wrote) that one person from the outside. Sitting back, and noticing little hints I've given out. That all of us have given out. We haven't told you these things, but you just have your way of knowing. You're not the only person though. There's been a few others, too. But everyone sees it, except the actual cause. Except the main point in this paragraph. Except you. Weird how you think you're the only one feeling this way, but in reality, there are SO many more people feeling exactly how you feel. We didn't even know, we didn't even guess. It's just nice knowing you're not the only one.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Ode To My Backpack
Everyone has their own backpack, everyone has their own napsack.
But me, I have a one of a kind, kind of pack on my back.
Like a heavy, old, worn-out home,
My carrier is so big and might even carry Rome!
Carrying all my books is the easiest part,
The things inside may help me become smart.
It's greatness can be shared with anyone.
The color might be as brown as a honey bun.
Everyone has their own haversack, everyone has their own rucksack.
But me, I have an oversized, gigantic kind of pack on my back.
Like a big brown mountain,
My holder is so large and could even carry a drinking fountian!
Carrying my journal, and gum are the most pleasant things,
Wearing this backpack will feel like a heavy set of wings.
It's delight can be shared with any person.
But, there is only thing that can make it worsen.
My biggest fear may occur one unlucky day,
If my backpack is heavy, if it's a heavy sleigh,
The straps may break, causing a fall to the ground!
Papers, books, markers flying all around!
And that's why I'll just tell you this,
Never, ever, ever get a backpack made by the Swiss.
Because on that very unlucky day,
When every cloud in the sky is gray,
Your heavy, weighty boulder on your back might break,
Papers, books, markers falling, causing a huge quake!
I'll wish you luck with your pack on your back,
That your backpack, napsack, haversack or rucksack won't go smack.
By: Amanda Adam
But me, I have a one of a kind, kind of pack on my back.
Like a heavy, old, worn-out home,
My carrier is so big and might even carry Rome!
Carrying all my books is the easiest part,
The things inside may help me become smart.
It's greatness can be shared with anyone.
The color might be as brown as a honey bun.
Everyone has their own haversack, everyone has their own rucksack.
But me, I have an oversized, gigantic kind of pack on my back.
Like a big brown mountain,
My holder is so large and could even carry a drinking fountian!
Carrying my journal, and gum are the most pleasant things,
Wearing this backpack will feel like a heavy set of wings.
It's delight can be shared with any person.
But, there is only thing that can make it worsen.
My biggest fear may occur one unlucky day,
If my backpack is heavy, if it's a heavy sleigh,
The straps may break, causing a fall to the ground!
Papers, books, markers flying all around!
And that's why I'll just tell you this,
Never, ever, ever get a backpack made by the Swiss.
Because on that very unlucky day,
When every cloud in the sky is gray,
Your heavy, weighty boulder on your back might break,
Papers, books, markers falling, causing a huge quake!
I'll wish you luck with your pack on your back,
That your backpack, napsack, haversack or rucksack won't go smack.
By: Amanda Adam
I did regret it the first time,
And now it's the second time. Once again, I regret it. Once you reply to my text, then I'll know it's okay. I won't even let it happen again a third time. Saving myself one regret at a time.
Alright, alright.
Alright, alright.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
It's funny how things can be SO horrible in the morning, but come afternoon/afterschool/evening/night time until this second, then everything is great.
I would never want what happened to us this morning, to happen ever, ever again. It was scary, it was unreal, and I'm still having trouble believing it. Atleast things changed around, atleast they're alright now.
That made it stronger, or so I think. I think, I know. And knowing is all that matters.
I would never want what happened to us this morning, to happen ever, ever again. It was scary, it was unreal, and I'm still having trouble believing it. Atleast things changed around, atleast they're alright now.
That made it stronger, or so I think. I think, I know. And knowing is all that matters.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Final
I always look forward to the walks, the laughs, the secrets shared, the adventures, the fun we have. It's all great. Catching up is the best part. Talking about the school day we just finished. It's always something new. It's always something fun. From eating your first lemon on the sidewalk, to our shoes filling with dirt and sand from climbing up hills to escape the "feet" you saw. The 6 mile walks in the rain, the fun, the fun. I couldn't be any more happy to share these after schools with you. Since I always find myself looking forward to the fun we have, the adventures, the secrets shared, the laughs, and most of all, the walks.
WOAH!
What a huge surprise. Glad to know, happy really! Really? Not really.
Weren't we counting down the days until this would happen? Weren't we saying every five minutes that we wish it wouldn't? Well it did. Let's say every five minutes that we wish it didn't. Because it did. Countdown is over.
WHAT'S NEXT?
Weren't we counting down the days until this would happen? Weren't we saying every five minutes that we wish it wouldn't? Well it did. Let's say every five minutes that we wish it didn't. Because it did. Countdown is over.
WHAT'S NEXT?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sends chills throughout my entire body.
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
I like it
that you don't realize what everyone else realizes. That way, we can still have things to say.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Glad glad
that things are back to normal with us, and us, and us, not us. I'm really glad I've met you, and gotten close to you these recent days. I'm really happy you've realized what I've seen all along, and are finally agreeing with me now. I'm so tickled to be spending this tonight with you, and hopefully tomorrow night. But with you, I couldn't even care. Not at all.
Things are going good. Things are going too good. This upcoming weekend should be great. Spending Friday night (hopeful) with my best friend. Spending the night on Saturday with my other close friend. I know I've told you this so much, but I couldn't be happier that we're spending time together again.
People people people, oh people.
Things are going good. Things are going too good. This upcoming weekend should be great. Spending Friday night (hopeful) with my best friend. Spending the night on Saturday with my other close friend. I know I've told you this so much, but I couldn't be happier that we're spending time together again.
People people people, oh people.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hello not blood test,
Re-scheduled? To what? Next Saturday? WHAT A RELIEF!
Walking from my house, to goodwill with Reade in the pouring rain, was one of the best days I've experienced in a while. This whole weekend put together was relaxing, amazing, and so much fun. Thanks for all of it.
Walking from my house, to goodwill with Reade in the pouring rain, was one of the best days I've experienced in a while. This whole weekend put together was relaxing, amazing, and so much fun. Thanks for all of it.
Reading every single post I've ever written,
And I feel like I know myself so much better than I did before.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Here to think.
Sitting quietly, time by my side. The bit that's left, running out quickly. Thoughts running, flowing, pounding in my head. Feel free to take a look. Feel free to wonder. She's obsessed, I'm obsessed, You're obsessed. All with different things. Nice to know, and it's hard to go. Sometime soon, though, this all might end. It's coming. We all know it's coming. But when, exactly? Get me prepared. We all need to be prepared. But, in the mean time. Sit here quietly, with time by your side.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
2-10-09
Thermal shirt, striped shirt, thick blue sweater, parka, thermal pants, jeans, two socks on the left foot, one on the right, gray boots. No mittens and the 39 degrees of February cold sends chills through my body. In through my face, in through my hands. Circulating through the many layers of tightly-fitted clothing. Then, stepping into the heated Geometry class and a gust of warmth. Heating up every ice-felt part of my body. Feeling as warm as never before. Slowly, slowly my hands tingle, sting, burn and at last, "It's hot."
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Today's the day.
And I hope you're having an excellent one. In my eyes, you really deserve it.
I can't wait to hear about it. I can't wait.
Here's the small print at the bottom that makes you think.
I can't wait to hear about it. I can't wait.
Here's the small print at the bottom that makes you think.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Guess who's back?
Amanda's wave bangs!
They were gone for so long, and thanks to the humidity, they came back for a good time.
Woo!
They were gone for so long, and thanks to the humidity, they came back for a good time.
Woo!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Why can't this leave my mind?
Why can't this leave my mind?
Why can't this leave my brain?
Why can't this leave my thoughts?
Why do I tear up every time I think about it?
Why can't I just get past my fear?
I've heard so many things about blood tests. I've never been so afraid in my entire life. I haven't been so worried or scared, either. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through this appointment, on my first (of two) days off of school, this semester. If I could choose one thing to leave my life, I'd pick my fear of needles. Even thinking about the shot I got yesterday, makes me tremble, and get teary-eyed. I CANNOT stop thinking about this. I'm overreacting, I know it. I'm even annoying myself. I'm working myself up, for something that will be over with in less than five minutes. I could go on, and on about how terrified, and nervous I am. Honestly, I could write paragraphs (in detail) describing it. "It's just one needle", or "It's not even a big deal, you're such a baby". But really, I'm not. I'm sure you guys have fears too. And if you had to face your number one fear, I'm sure you'd be acting this way too.
I guess there's a first for everything, and my first blood test is on President's Day. Thanks Mom for scheduling the worst day of my life, knowing how hysterical I'll be on that day. I'd rather have ANYTHING than this. Anything...
Why can't this leave my brain?
Why can't this leave my thoughts?
Why do I tear up every time I think about it?
Why can't I just get past my fear?
I've heard so many things about blood tests. I've never been so afraid in my entire life. I haven't been so worried or scared, either. I don't even know how I'm going to make it through this appointment, on my first (of two) days off of school, this semester. If I could choose one thing to leave my life, I'd pick my fear of needles. Even thinking about the shot I got yesterday, makes me tremble, and get teary-eyed. I CANNOT stop thinking about this. I'm overreacting, I know it. I'm even annoying myself. I'm working myself up, for something that will be over with in less than five minutes. I could go on, and on about how terrified, and nervous I am. Honestly, I could write paragraphs (in detail) describing it. "It's just one needle", or "It's not even a big deal, you're such a baby". But really, I'm not. I'm sure you guys have fears too. And if you had to face your number one fear, I'm sure you'd be acting this way too.
I guess there's a first for everything, and my first blood test is on President's Day. Thanks Mom for scheduling the worst day of my life, knowing how hysterical I'll be on that day. I'd rather have ANYTHING than this. Anything...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sitting back to watch,
and I love this.
We both do.
Although you may hate it, we're talking about how much of a relief it is to finally see this.
The color of the trees on the car ride home from the gym are my new favorite thing. Against the light blue and yellow sky, I've never seen anything more perfect.
We both do.
Although you may hate it, we're talking about how much of a relief it is to finally see this.
The color of the trees on the car ride home from the gym are my new favorite thing. Against the light blue and yellow sky, I've never seen anything more perfect.
Monday, February 2, 2009
You're right,
"I thought people matured as they got older."
I thought that too. Thought. You just proved me wrong. And you should feel remorse for everything you did. I'm surprised you could have, AGAIN.
I thought that too. Thought. You just proved me wrong. And you should feel remorse for everything you did. I'm surprised you could have, AGAIN.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dear my dog,
I'm sorry for talking so much shiz about you behind your back. Ever since you got shaved, you've just been the ugliest thing. :(
Addicted.
Today was so much fun with Kelsey and Megan.
I'd love to do this once a week, every weekend. Or at least once a month.
I'm excited to paint designs on the inside of my Dad's new VW Van.
I can't wait.
I'd love to do this once a week, every weekend. Or at least once a month.
I'm excited to paint designs on the inside of my Dad's new VW Van.
I can't wait.
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